I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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