I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
