It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
