Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
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yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
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I need to hump something and I know u understand.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
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