I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
