Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
