I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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