Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
