I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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