the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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