I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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