Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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