1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
MIDGETS
????
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
