sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
