Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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