Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
