He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
