im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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