Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
