Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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