Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
