I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
