Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
