Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
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like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"