We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.