4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I will pee on everything he values.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.