genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA