they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
