If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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