Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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