She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
