standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We talked him into tasing himself.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
