rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
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as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
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In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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