I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
