it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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