Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
