She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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