i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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