my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
