Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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