I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm both gender and math confused
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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