My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
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The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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