He uses pillows to masturbate.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
