Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It was confusing and full of hummus
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
