it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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