Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
