they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
