Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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