he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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