Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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