that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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