my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
