I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
