Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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