My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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