You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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