the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
