I am midnight drunk by noon
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
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Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
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So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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