her vagine was all disorganized.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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